Exchanging Sexual Favors: Avoidant Attachment Sex Style

Sexual exchange norms (as it’s called in psychology speak) describes the tendency to approach sex as an equal trade: there’s an equal give and take of sexual benefits between both partners, and keeping that exchange fair is a priority. That might sound like a good thing, but it can make sex seem less intimate and more transactional.

“When people endorse exchange norms, they give benefits with the expectation of receiving equal or comparable benefits in return and are concerned with keeping track of benefits to keep things even between partners,” Stephanie Raposo M.A., a Ph.D. candidate at York University and lead author on the study, and her colleagues write.

Opposite to sexual exchange norms are sexual communal norms, which describes people who are intrinsically motivated to meet their partners sexual needs just because they want to. There isn’t an expectation of reciprocation. There’s trust that their partner will also care about their pleasure too, so there’s less concern about keeping track of who’s done what and more giving for the sake of giving.

Raposo and her team surveyed and observed a total of 711 adults in committed relationships, asking them questions to understand their perspective on sex, how their sex life was in the relationship, and how the relationship was in general. Their findings showed that couples who had a more communal approach to sex—rather than a trade and barter style—tended to be happier with both their sex life and their relationship. 

“When people endorsed exchange norms in their sexual relationship (i.e., they track and trade sexual benefits with the goal of keeping things even), they did not report greater sexual satisfaction and, if anything, they feel less committed and have more negative sexual interactions,” the researchers write.